Dear Rocky

For those who have read my Date Dissecting and Postscript on Date Dissecting posts, I thought I ought to let you know that yes, I have already gone out on dates after that and I'm happy to report that one has become an acquaintance and the other, a friend, at the very least.

Let's talk about the "friend". I did promise myself that I would not blog about him as he may be reading this post right this very moment and I'd be certainly embarassed. And so, to be prudent, I will leave this message for him:

Hi Rocky (not his real name)! If you happen to be reading this post right now, promise me you will pretend that you have not read this post and you will not give me a "I know something" smile when we see each other again.

It took more than a year, one and a half year to be exact, before friends thought of introducing me to their single friends. I'm not complaining though as I was busy doing other enjoyable stuff and spent much of my time with dear, dear friends during that one and a half year. But let's talk about Rocky - he is a great guy. I must say at the outset that there is nothing romantic going on between us. So if you are reading this and expecting to read a love story, please direct your attention to the right column portion of this blog and check out my blogroll to find some other things worth reading.

Disclaimers having been made, I just couldn't help but make comments on how he behaved himself during the date. (I will not write any further though about the other time we saw each other as this post is really to illustrate an example of a good date behavior.) I know the stuff I'll write would seem to be normal and customary for others that they won't be noteworthy at all. But I'm writing this as a late bloomer who has never dated until after finishing post-graduate studies - so bear with me.

Rocky seems to be a guy who is learned in the ways of dating and it is really nice to discover that it seems that both of us have in mind that dating should be an opportunity to make new friends. Unlike that guy who got my number but never texted and the other guy who didn't even get my number, seemingly out of fear that I'll perceive that as him being enamored with me, Rocky got my number and sent messages after our first meeting. During the date, which was chaperoned by the way, Rocky was not merely talking about himself but he was asking me some questions too. I don't know if it was his style or it was true, but his earlier declaration of not being able to stay long and his later staying long afterall was sweet. Intentional or not, it was flattering to feel that my company made him change his mind about leaving early to do other stuff. Rocky of course, footed the bill. I thought this was normal and I didn't even offered to pay, but my friends said that in some group dates, every one shares in the bill. The next time we went out, and I was even the one who invited him, he again paid the bill even if I offered to pay (oops, I said I won't say anything outside of the first meeting, but oh well...). I guess there are no hard and fast rules on this. Going back to the first meeting, Rocky was attentive - he listens and he remembered when I said I like lamb and offerred it to me as soon as the meal arrived. We even had coffee after the dinner. As we parted, Rocky and I gave each other a cheek to cheek and he said let's meet again when he is in the area where I work. True or not, I consider that a nice gesture on his part. And he sounded really sincere.

I know, I know it seems strange to rave about the stuff he did that night and he'd probably say he was just doing what he was supposed to do but let's face it, real gentlemen are dwindling in numbers and guys who are confident, self-assured and attentive are sadly, hard to come by. True, there are lots of nice guys out there but while Rocky is nice, he didn't fall into the trap of treating me like pare and not a girl. Other guys who are out on a date sometimes swing to the other extreme of coming across as asexual by trying to be friendly. Rocky was able to pull off being a gentleman by making me feel like I'm a girl that we gained friendship that meeting without him crossing the line and becoming a potential, and I'm going to borrow this title - paasa king.

I remembered an old friend telling me that he felt like he and his guy bestfriend were so clueless with girls that there seems to be a manual which they don't have a copy of. And to think this old friend was really, really good looking (he has moviestar genes) to think of himself as being unable or incapacitated to get the girl he likes. And honestly, his style as he relayed them to me seemed like he has taken a leaf from a stalker.

Dating is really a tricky tricky game. But it is fun, when you know how it is played. Rocky knows how, that's for sure. For whatever it is worth, going out with him is a confidence building measure for me, reassuring me that I CAN behave like a girl and be treated like a girl, and that there are still nice, decent, normal, gentlemen out there. Being around him, I realized I have a tendency to always act like the bestfriend in the movies and not like the leading lady (of course, I got this from The Holiday). A dear friend who is now married likened Rocky to a guy she once dated who, even if they both knew it will not go anywhere near the altar, gave her the confidence to go out there and meet people. Without need to determine if there is or there isn't any future for us, I think Rocky gave me that confidence too.

Postscript on Date dissecting

How should you treat your ex-dates?

This is one of the questions spurred by one of my friend's comments on my Date dissecting blog, the answer to which has already been swirling inside my head even before writing the same.

First things first, people you'll go out on a first date are either (a) complete strangers, (b) friend-of-a-friend strangers, (c) acquaintances or (d) friends. In the case of (d), which is friends with whom you knowingly went out on a date not as mere friends, and to some extent (c), the question is not much relevant since the awkwardness of the aftermath of a date is not so striking as in cases (a) and ( b ) where there is no prior state of affairs. In cases (c) or (d), you can either maintain the status quo or degenerate the relationship into extinction in case something goes awry. Well, of course, in cases (a) and (b), being strangers is a also an existing state of affairs but then, I comprehend the difficulty of simply dismissing a failed ex-date (as of course, as opposed to a successful ex-date) as a mere phantom that briefly hovered over your life.

Perceiving myself as a sensitive person and one who is careful not to hurt another person's feelings, if avoidable, I proceed with dating having this in mind that the person you are going out with is a human being, worthy of respect and decent treatment.

As such, save in the few moments before entering the restaurant where my date is waiting, taking at least 3 deep breaths before proceeding, I rarely have any issue about being comfortable with being myself. I am a very transparent person - what you see is what you get. The lines and creases on my face, and every movement of my facial muscles would betray my thoughts. It's never a problem for me having to deal with the awkwardness of sitting across (or in the recent past, beside) someone you've just been introduced to. A few times in my last date, I caught myself boisterously laughing. And though it occurred to me that such kind of laugh might be a turn off, I figured he has to hear it as I certainly do not plan to supress. Rule of thumb for me during dates is to be myself. Take it or leave it. And modesty aside, I do believe that *myself* is very good company.

This is why I think that, from an observer's point of view, my behaviour and demeanor during the date would not be the basis in figuring out if I had classified my date as v. good, good, bad or v. bad. But of course, owing to my transparency, my friends would have no time to start speculating as I would have told them my assessment after a brief evaluation and examination of conscience. In any case, I believe that my behavior and demeanor during dates is, unless date misbehaves, an unconditional invitation to being friends. Even in my example for the second scenario, the good date, wherein I knew early on that I clearly wasn't interested, I wouldn't mind replying to his text messages a few times (as in fact I even greeted him a "Merry Christmas", remember?). I know that if the guy who is a true gentleman is not interested, he'd probably not make any further communication for fear of being misunderstood as interest to move the relationship further. Very understandable and justifiable, considering that society imposes that men be the pursuer and the women the pursued. Conversely, in case of a bad date (i.e., other person seems to be interested when you are not), it is best not to encourage him when he is making contact for reasons already adverted to in my Date dissecting blog.

I read last night in "Half a Life" by V.S. Naipaul something like this: when hosting a party, make the boring guests deal with equally boring guests - let them deal with each other." (Pardon me for being too lazy to make a direct quote as I was on th verge of sleep and wakefulness when I came across this idea.)

With that, my asnwer to the question on "how you should treat ex-dates" is this: treat your ex-dates the same way you would treat others --- always with respect, consideration, concern, tact and caution, keeping in mind the saying that, "do not do unto others what you do not want others do unto you." However, in case of misbehaving dates, treat them in a manner they deserve.

That would be all your, Honor.

Date dissecting

Just finished reading "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason", which I started yesterday, the day when my being Singleton, to borrow from Helen Fielding, has been fortified. I should have sensed my optimistic thoughts about joining dating scene is unfounded. First bad omen was yesterday morning's discovery that the guy who was flirting with me over the net last weekend is married. Not that I believed what he told me, as I do remember taking everything he said with a grain of salt. But still, that was a clear attempt at deception, and I just hate being fooled. Though I didn't really take him seriously even if I considered him a friend way back in grade school, for purposes of prepping up my ego, there was some sort of a loss I couldn't clearly point to.

I went out on a date last night, only the third time, or to be precise, 482 days since the abrupt, very unceremonial end of my brief but eventful whirlwind love affair, initially perceived as a graduation, but turned out to be a mere leave of absence from being unattached, errr, to be very blunt, boyfriendless state. Eighteen days ago, I went out on a *very* blind date with a 30 something guy. Again, my instincts proved me correct when we were finally face to face. I spent one and a half precious hours of my life, struggling to rid us of dead air which occurs whenever I pause to give my jaws a break from trying to make conversation. He seemed fine, seemed intelligent (which is my minimum qualification) and seemed to be secure of himself. I am certain though that there was no spark between us, a few minutes into the date. I just couldn't see *us*, as even the thought makes me cringe. On my way home and a few more text messages from him made me formulate my theory on the four ways of assessing the aftermath of a date.

FIRST SCENARIO: V. GOOD DATE

The best scenario after a date is when both of you are mutually interested to see each other again, owed to the fact that you mutually enjoyed each other's company. This scenario encompasses love at first sight or at the very least, a willingness to spend a few more of each other's precious time to see if you can work out something.

SECOND SCENARIO: GOOD DATE

I think this happened to me last year, a few months after my moral disqualification from not being entitled to put "In a relationship" on my Friendster profile. I dated a doctor who was, at that time, a resident surgeon at a very reputable and always busy hospital in Manila. We kept the conversation going for three hours, effortlessly at that, though I was quick to realize the conversation was between a doctor and a lawyer who were comparing notes at how difficult our professions are. Hmnn... needless to say, I didn't get any text message from him after the date and got a "who is this?" reply from him when I greeted him a Merry Christmas. Duh. Well, no hurt feelings as I certainly wouldn't want to have anything to do with someone whose existence is more miserable than my previous miserable existence, as I already had a life outside the office at that time, thank you very much. It was a good date, still, cause I had half of my favorite pizza and had no guilt feelings whatsoever that, after the date, we will be going about our daily lives separately, permanently.

THIRD SCENARIO: BAD DATE

Awww… What I really hate is to lie and be lied to. Terrible terrible terrible. It was after my date with the 30 something guy when I formulated these four scenarios and my date with him is a certified third scenario. You see, within hours after the date, he was already asking me to have coffee, dinner, lunch, what have you the following day. Very difficult to come up with excuses, you know? Since I don't want to endure telling lies and making excuses all the time, I decided to tell him I just realized I wasn't ready to date after breaking up with my first boyfriend (partly true). I just felt it was the fair thing to do, as I wouldn't want to go out with him just because I was feeling lonely (as I wasn't) or I just want to be treated to dinner (I can pay for my own meals, you know). Bottom line is, in the end, I don't want to be accused of taking him in for a ride. I don't want to be regarded as his girlfriend de facto by mere acceptance of benefits. I've been a victim of being taken advantaged of and I certainly wouldn't want to end up hurting someone's feelings.

FOURTH SCENARIO: WORST DATE

One thing I dread more than having a bad date is of course, the worst date, which I think, happened to me last night. I had a hunch things would not go well after the discovery of the married flirting guy early in the morning. As it turns out, this one would prick my heart. Ouch. The worst date is when you find yourself liking your date who obviously has not even a slightest interest in you.

It was bad enough that we were seated beside each other, which didn't give him a chance to *really* see me as you would need to constantly twist your neck and shoulders just to look at the other person. Anyway, he seemed to be immensely enjoying his Sukhotai more than being around me. Delicious Sukhotai though. Of course, we were in the company of a couple, my law school batchmate, former officemate and his girlfriend who was my college friend. I was actually the one who introduced them to each other, probably why, of my three dates after the break-up, they were the engineers of the two. It is just exasperating that the guy didn't ask even a single question to me. He didn't really speak to me, just me! I mean, what a way to show you're not interested. I know his mind is back in the office, thinking of several overdue work which needs to be turned in by Monday. Been there, done that, as I used to be part of that firm and would do the same thing - rush off to dinner in nearby Greenbelt and go back to the office to struggle to re-commence trying to make my gray matter work. But surely, he made me feel like he was just coerced into having that lengthy dinner at Oody's.

Too bad I kinda like him. Too bad he looked like some intelligent guy friend that I kinda like. Too bad he actually is intelligent, very intelligent at that and seems to be very decent. Too bad he's taller than me and it's really difficult to find someone who's at least 5'7".

Of course, no text messages from him after the dinner as he didn't even get my mobile number. Of course, he had my number all along as our friend, his office mate had already given it to him a week ago. Oh well, sent out a few text messages to guy and girl friends scattered all over Manila, Paranaque and New York City and then went back to reading Bridget Jones. Maybe his assessment of the circumference of my thighs and the girth of my torso prevented him from seeing the inner beauty of my soul.