Plugged

If my organ of Corti can strangle me, it would have wrung my neck by now. You see, I'm currently trying to work, and, in the light of the very unconducive work atmosphere in the office, I have taken steps to decrease my susceptibility to triggers to disruption of my concentration. And the measure I've employed is plugging my ears with earphones. I started my work day at volume 3, the loudest being 10. As my officemates started arriving, some have failed to suppress their exhuberance and enthusiam of certain topics, forcing me to up the volume level to 10. Their emotions have since subsided and I'm now back down to 4. Still, my brain feels like its being swirled and stirred and my mood has not improved a bit. Obviously, I'm no longer working as I am frantically, wreckessly jabbing my fingers hard on my battered keyboard.

Wait. I'm taking several deep breaths.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Gee, it helps.

To think I thought I started the day quite fine after enjoying a brief but refreshing sleep, thanks to the CD my friend gave me, supposedly to induce deep sleep. I kept my ears plugged all night listening to it. Well, okay, you probably don't call it "listening" when one is asleep, but anyway, I guess it works - though its effects end as soon as you wake up and you have to fend for yourself as soon as you wake up and battle this noisy jungle called workplace.

Footnote:

The organ of Corti is lined with hair-like structures which are actually sensory cells called sterocilia. The steriocilia ossiclates with sound and transmit it to the brain. Any damage to it is permanent as they do not regenerate. They die.

What does it mean when you feel another person's pain or sadness and wish to take it away, or at the very least be able to do something to ease it?

!ssergorp yna gnikam ton ma I

I'm currently swamped with work and can barely keep my head above water, though my present predicament is not as nearly bad as when I was in the law firm BUT still, bad.

I realized that I crack under pressure, in a manner that makes me more counterproductive. I make mistakes (or ask stupid questions which expose my follies, just like what happened seconds ago) and clam up. Yes, I clam up and feel the surge of resistance to work overwhelm me. As work continue to pile in along with the pressure from bosses to do work (I'm fine and actually do well without the pressure), the less efficient I become. It takes a lot of mind work and convincing to prod my brain into commencing work right after a stressful situation. Unreasonably, stress sources become the object of my scorn which is a shame because my co-workers in my present work are all so nice. But then again, just like at home when I do something wrong, I'd rather be yelled at or scolded for a folly rather than be treated kindly. Kind treatments when I am at fault open the floodgates of guilt which is agonizing and yes, painful. I disdain myself for being a liability to others.

And after that self-flaggelation, I think I can go back to work now.

Writing to be read. Writhing to be red.

In our meeting last Friday, the conversation was steered towards interesting blogs we've encountered and other stuff for techie geeks. My bosses who were considerably older started to get interested about these blogs and inquired how does one put up his own blog. He went on to comment that what becomes of blogs which are not read. He struck a nerve, I thought. My blog is not being read! I'm offended.

I quickly regained composure enough to say that blogs are actually not written just so to be read, as there are those who write for the pleasure of expressing themselves, with the caveat that what they write could be read by the entire Webdom.

But who am I fooling. Of course, I want my blogs to be read. That's why I email my friends whenever I have new posts; that's why I included a site meter on my blogs in the first place.

In one of my idle moments, I recalled a former friend's code name and thought I'd search it on the net. As it turns out, he has had a blog a year before I started mine and his blog's title was the one he used as early as 2000. This guy and I used to write each other long emails continuously and consistently for a year. Looking back, I guess we were each other's captive audience as we were blogging, even before the word blog was coined. And since we have stopped being friends a few months after we stopped "blogging" each other (that doesn't seem quite right, but anyway...), I figured the email exchanges were impersonal. Still, when he sent an email to his friends, cc to my email address, one of the last I got from him, I was a bit slighted - thinking it was so impersonal unlike the previous email exchanges we've had which is sent only to each other, no cc:. Thinking about it now, I guess my friends do not like the idea of receiveing a link to my blog instead of me sending a personal email to them. Admittedly, my blogging was spurred by my desire to see my writing appear on screen when googled and of course, some lazy intentions as well. But then, I thought it was a convenient way to keep my friends updated about what's been going on in my life, not just the events but also my personal feelings and thoughts about my life as it happens. Knowing what is going on with me won't keep them current about who I am or who I've become.

In any case and at any rate, whether my blog is being read or not, I will keep on doing this. After all, it's cathartic and I enjoy it. I enjoy it as much as I enjoy life. So, read on. :)

iPod, iMac, iWant!

Any statement hailing technological advances as incredible would stating the glaring and the obvious. In any case, that realization would not stop me from raving about some Apple products. Apple, of course, is not a fruit but Apple Computer, the company formed by the two trailblazing Steves - Jobs and Wozniak, the makers of the first personal computer Apple II. It is again incredible that these two are very much alive and very young at present (unlike Thomas Edison when I first read about him), enjoying their millionaire lives. This fact highlights how recent the world has been ushered into the computer age. And life changing was the introduction of this technology, indeed. For now, it is unimaginable how a student, a teacher, or an employee of a company can work in what he has been accustomed to as efficient without the help of computers. All these technological advances definitely make life easier for humans, no doubt. But sometimes I feel these are making us lazy, less patient and less hardworking as the previous generations. Just a thought. And oh, technology has blurred our needs and wants, especially with regard to entertainment in particular.

Okay, I admit. There may still be some sectors of society who believes that entertainment is a want and not a need but let us just suppose it is a need for purposes of this rumination. I guess some might say that some forms of entertainment are more wants than needs, as shown by the fact that we have previously survived without it. Take the case of digital music players , iPods in particular. I am sure there were those who had vinyl, long playing albums collections, or cassete tape collections for that matter. Few would probably have a thousand compact discs, containing, say, 15 songs each. Let us just say that the average number of CDs per person is 500 so that makes 7,500 songs. But since an average song let's say is 4 minutes, it would take 30,000 minutes or 500 hours or 21 days to be listen to all 7,500 songs, and that is continiuosly at that. But let's say an average person listens to his music player for 15 hours max, he would then be able to listen to 225 4-minute songs. In short, having an iTunes which can store 7,500 songs is like carrying along with you a radio station which will play songs at your whim. Of course, I personally prefer listening to the radio if only to experience the element of surprise not having any idea what will play next but I guess having such a large collection would give that same "element of surprise".. but I don't have that much collection... Nah. I'm digressing.


Of course, the 30 gigabyte capacity iPod video is not the model with the largest capacity. There are the 60GB and the incredible 80GB iPod video, able to store 15,000 and 20,000 songs, respectively. Whoa! Of course, the iPod video can store not only songs but also iPod compatible pictures and videos. While I'm not much interested with its photo storage capacity, I am amazed with iPod's video capabilities. This is actually the reason why I want my own iPod. For several months now, I have been putting off buying an iPod for myself, hoping they will come up with a new and improved version, thus driving down the prices for the older but still very good model. I knew the wait was worth it as not only did the price for the 30GB dropped, it was also improved along with the launch of the 80GB iPod video. This afternoon, I went to the Apple Store in Megamall to get the latest price list of iPods. True enough, the cost of the 60GB iPod video a year a go is not the proce tag of the 80GB iPod. While there was no change in the shuffle and nano prices, both are now upgraded and better than the previous models. I checked out the Apple Store Online, both the Hong Kong and Singapore pages and was thrilled to see that they sell iPods at a considerable lower price, some for 5,000 less than the Manila price! Hmn...


Apart from the music storage capabilities of the iPod video, I am most thrilled with the fact that it would now allow me to watch video podcasts which I download for free. Yes, podcasts of good quality are available and abound in the internet. Wonderful, wonderful. I get to watch news podcasts of ABC News and listen to CNN, MSNBC and a host of other reputable news companies. I also get to download podcasts of language lessons which are really helpful. All of these makes a content-maniac out of me.


And while I was lurking around the Apple Store in Megamall, I had the occasion to take a second look at imacs which I have previously conceived as very expensive, impractical and not high in the utility aspect. Lo and behold, taking a closer look at its specs, it seems like reasonably must-have gadget after all. Especially since it comes with lots of original Apple software, pre-loaded into the Mac Book plus it also has Microsoft Office 2004. Add to that, it is faster than most other laptops and it has Airport Express or what is commonly known as wi-fi capabilities. Of course, the Apple Store Megamall price is way, way costlier than the Apple Store Online Hong Kong and Singapore prices.


Darn! Now I have to resist buying not just the iPod but the iMac as well! And it would definitely take a lot of control to resist these eye candies.

Sigh.

Must not.

They're just wants, not needs.


Note: In the interest of those who are planning to grab the Mac Book, my computer genius techie friend said that there is a difference between Intel Core Duo and Intel Code 2 Duo. These terms refer to processors, the improved version of Pentium. Core 2 Duo is faster than Core Duo and it also is more energy efficient specially if you are running your laptop on batteries. The Mac Book has Intel Core Duo only but I do not have info which laptops have Core 2 Duo and whether they are as affordable. Still, while I am not too particular about speed, battery longevity is very important to me considering that my Compaq Presario 700's batt didn't last longer than 1.5 hours and has now retired itself, fully drained and dead.

[Updated: October 16,2006]

Feelings

I will be turning 30 in 12 days but that is not exactly why I'm feeling melancholic since last night. (Nope, I am not from Ateneo who lost to UST in the UAAP Men's Basketball Championship last night, though way back in 1988, even when I was still in Grade 5, my favorite UAAP team was Ateneo led by Jun Reyes and Danny Francisco.)

The past few years, many of my closest friends, especially the girls, have found true love and have since gotten married. Other guy friends have relocated abroad or have been busy. And then, things were never the same. Though I'm extremely vicariously happy for them, I found myself clamming up. Unlike before when I found it easy to dial their numbers and call, sometimes for no reason other than to chat, now I always stop short of doing that for fear that I might get disappointed if I hear a less than interested voice, subtly suggesting that he/she is busy. After all, it might really be a waste of their time just listening to me whenever I want to go ranting about just about anything. And also, I think it would be selfish of me to impose myself on them, bothering them with my trivial feelings while they are enjoying their happy life. I want them to be assured that I am alright and can take care of myself. I even tell myself that I already know what they will advice me so why go through the process of unburdening myself to them?

A month ago, I dared to venture out of this thinking and proved myself wrong. I shared my thoughts and feelings to my two close friends, feelings and thoughts which I thought would merit a frown or a "you know what is the right thing to do" reaction from them (or a resounding "gaga!" from dear Junjun). On the contrary, I rediscovered two friends with empathy and understanding towards me, who didn't judge me and in fact, were able to put a fresh perspective on the issues I have. I was so wrong about my friends. I am so sure that all the others I have prejudged to prejudge me will be as warm and comforting as the two close friends I referred to earlier.

Looking back, I do not know how I got to this state, I do not know where I got the wrong idea. All I know now is that my friends will always be willing to just hold my hand and walk with me through life. And I shouldn't doubt their capacity to give.

This post in itself is divergent from my "clamming up" way of thinking. I actually doubt if I'd be able to tell them these things face to face, not wanting to sound needy. But then, I guess this post is the next best thing, a subterfuge for my bashfulness. At least, even if I probably will not alert them about this post, writing a blog is like writing on your diary and then leaving it open and lying around just about anywhere.