Postscript on Date dissecting

How should you treat your ex-dates?

This is one of the questions spurred by one of my friend's comments on my Date dissecting blog, the answer to which has already been swirling inside my head even before writing the same.

First things first, people you'll go out on a first date are either (a) complete strangers, (b) friend-of-a-friend strangers, (c) acquaintances or (d) friends. In the case of (d), which is friends with whom you knowingly went out on a date not as mere friends, and to some extent (c), the question is not much relevant since the awkwardness of the aftermath of a date is not so striking as in cases (a) and ( b ) where there is no prior state of affairs. In cases (c) or (d), you can either maintain the status quo or degenerate the relationship into extinction in case something goes awry. Well, of course, in cases (a) and (b), being strangers is a also an existing state of affairs but then, I comprehend the difficulty of simply dismissing a failed ex-date (as of course, as opposed to a successful ex-date) as a mere phantom that briefly hovered over your life.

Perceiving myself as a sensitive person and one who is careful not to hurt another person's feelings, if avoidable, I proceed with dating having this in mind that the person you are going out with is a human being, worthy of respect and decent treatment.

As such, save in the few moments before entering the restaurant where my date is waiting, taking at least 3 deep breaths before proceeding, I rarely have any issue about being comfortable with being myself. I am a very transparent person - what you see is what you get. The lines and creases on my face, and every movement of my facial muscles would betray my thoughts. It's never a problem for me having to deal with the awkwardness of sitting across (or in the recent past, beside) someone you've just been introduced to. A few times in my last date, I caught myself boisterously laughing. And though it occurred to me that such kind of laugh might be a turn off, I figured he has to hear it as I certainly do not plan to supress. Rule of thumb for me during dates is to be myself. Take it or leave it. And modesty aside, I do believe that *myself* is very good company.

This is why I think that, from an observer's point of view, my behaviour and demeanor during the date would not be the basis in figuring out if I had classified my date as v. good, good, bad or v. bad. But of course, owing to my transparency, my friends would have no time to start speculating as I would have told them my assessment after a brief evaluation and examination of conscience. In any case, I believe that my behavior and demeanor during dates is, unless date misbehaves, an unconditional invitation to being friends. Even in my example for the second scenario, the good date, wherein I knew early on that I clearly wasn't interested, I wouldn't mind replying to his text messages a few times (as in fact I even greeted him a "Merry Christmas", remember?). I know that if the guy who is a true gentleman is not interested, he'd probably not make any further communication for fear of being misunderstood as interest to move the relationship further. Very understandable and justifiable, considering that society imposes that men be the pursuer and the women the pursued. Conversely, in case of a bad date (i.e., other person seems to be interested when you are not), it is best not to encourage him when he is making contact for reasons already adverted to in my Date dissecting blog.

I read last night in "Half a Life" by V.S. Naipaul something like this: when hosting a party, make the boring guests deal with equally boring guests - let them deal with each other." (Pardon me for being too lazy to make a direct quote as I was on th verge of sleep and wakefulness when I came across this idea.)

With that, my asnwer to the question on "how you should treat ex-dates" is this: treat your ex-dates the same way you would treat others --- always with respect, consideration, concern, tact and caution, keeping in mind the saying that, "do not do unto others what you do not want others do unto you." However, in case of misbehaving dates, treat them in a manner they deserve.

That would be all your, Honor.