Jude Sudario (1974-2007)

It was during the summer of 1997 when I first met Jude. Having passed the written Law Aptitude Exam, we had our interview on the same day, him being a Sudario and me, a Tan. (In between us were Supapo and Talbo, who would later on become Alpha Phi Beta's Lord Chancellor, like Jude.)

I remember Jude coming out of the interview room furious after he had a "legal" argument with one of the interviewers who would later turn out to be his professor in 4 subjects or in the so-called "four Sisons." Of course, notwithstanding the argument, Jude was admitted to the College of Law and was "raffled off" to Section A while I got the scrabble piece "C", hence I went to Section C. During our freshman week in July of 1997, Jude did an impersonation of "Ah Chong", a "Chinaman" who killed a person after being started and awoken from his slumber. Jude was garbed in costume, brandishing a bolo - swaying it violently. Jude did well in school, his brilliance showing in his grades. When we graduated, he was one of those who was awarded the Order of the Purple Feather for academic excellence.

Even if we weren't close friends, his birth date was one of those I'll remember as it was also the anniversary of the July 16 earthquake. Every year, I would send him a birthday greeting and he would respond with appreciation. When I heard from one of his fraternity brods in Alpha Phi Beta that he was diagnosed to have stage 4 colon cancer, I didn't know if it was proper to send him a message or just to pretend that I didn't know. Finally, on his birthday this year, I found the opportunity to send him a message. I greeted him a happy birthday and told him that I'm always praying for him. I also sent him a passage from the Bible. This was Jude's reply to me:

"Thank you, may, for remembering. Prayers are my lifeblood and strength."

I did not delete his message, and I couldn't get to myself delete it even up to now.

Nineteen days after his 33th birthday, Jude passed away. In the days that followed, his fraternity brods, friends and us, his batchmates in law school, bid him goodbye. His body was then flown to Tacloban City where he will be laid to rest this Sunday, August 12.

During the necrological services by our batch, his blockmate and close friend Joan Liban delivered a eulogy which was injected with wit and humor. Even if we were before his body, the laughter was unavoidable as we had good memories of Jude's own wit and humor. More laughter echoed throughout the chapel as the slideshow of their block's pictures was shown - it showed their pictures, some taken ten years ago - when most of us were several pounds lighter.

Jude's passing away is a reminder of our mortality - after all, we are all at the ascent of our carreers, six years after hurdling law studies and most of us having stable jobs and/or have started our own families. Things are indeed looking great for most of us - things were doing great for Jude. He had a loving wife, and two wonderful children - pretty and precocious Gabby and adorable Patrick. Jude had his name on the Articles of Partnership of a very promising firm, his partnership guaranteed in a matter of years. His family relied much on him to run the family business in Tacloban. He probably had a lot of plans, a lot of dreams.

At this time, we all have a lot of plans and a lot of dreams. But we are mortals and no matter what we say, our own lives may very well end at a time we least expect. The moment we pass away, our worldly possessions would no longer matter; we could no longer touch them, we no longer need them. The law degree that we obtained through blood, sweat and tears will be stripped from us - we will no longer be someone else's master, nor we will be someone else's slave. All we bring with us is our soul and the love of those whose lives we've touched.

I refuse to say that Jude's life ended last Saturday. Rather, Jude simply shed his earthly body to start another life anew. I take comfort at the fact that Jude was able to prepare for his passing, and is now rid of any pain. He has conquered death.

And now, we move on with our lives aware of our mortality, having in mind to keep life simple and surround us with what matters most.

Until we see you again, Jude.

Diffuse

I've been keeping a journal since I was 13 and I try to write my thoughts as often as I can. Normally, I have one journal entry per day, or at least try to catch up when I get into the mood. I realized I haven't been writing on my journal, or on my blog for quite sometime now, probably because I was preoccupied with writing several essays for my application for a scholarship. It seems my mind can only be squeezed to write up to some point.

And so, it feels good to be writing right now. It diffuses whatever emotion I'm grappling with this moment. Trying to rationalize to dilute disappointment is always hard - it is a wrestling match between the objective and the subjective: other people's and my feelings, priorities, realities. I can only sigh, that's all I can do, and hope later on that something else will distract me from whatever it is I'm trying to deal with right now.

It has been ten years since I turned my back on the pursuit of psychology as a profession in favor of law school. Back then, I used to think that I understood my feelings and other people better because of the theories in psychology which I learned. Flooding my brain with the law seems to have eased out the theories from my gray matter. I can still try though, and here's what my shrink self would tell myself:

If the emotion is strong, attempt to weaken it by performing a certain behavior. Say or example, smile. Smile and your nerves will send a signal to your brain, activating the neurons which normally act up when you perceive a sensation which tells your brain to retrive the happy hormones and then send a message to your facial muscles to widen the opening of your lips, horizontally, narrow your eyelids, and tighten the muscles on your cheeks. Keep on doing this and yes, you will feel happy, even a bit. If you keep on doing this behavior, you will eventually modify the strong emotion. It needs a lot of work especially if the emotion is really, really strong. Good for me, it's only disappointment for today.

You should try it.

In the meantime, you don't change the situation - I still didn't have it my way. The thing that didn't happen, still won't happen. But probably, you wouldn't mind as much as you did earlier.


Gee... it works!