The Eraser

Some days are better than others; some days are bad while some are worst. The good news is today is just not too good, neither better than good, not bad than usual or outright disastrous. Let's just say that I probably have a less than efficient production of serotonin last night, the results of which made me vulnerable to not so pleasant occurences.

Such as realizing that my favorite rubber eraser had gone missing.

You see, much of my work entails using a pencil. Incidentally, nothing but a Mongol No. 1 would do for me so that a reliable, efficient eraser is an indispensable tool. I've had this eraser since the start of my career, that is four years ago. I remember having an eraser exactly the same as the recent one which I lost, the previous one I've had since fourth year high school until college. When I lost it, I decided to buy another one exactly the same brand and size. I told myself that the only way of overcoming the grief brought about by my lost eraser is to forget that I ever lost it and I can do that by having a new one. That is the same thing which I did when I lost my World Wildlife Fund "Think Globally, Act Locally" notebook - I replaced it with an extra notebook which I bought the same time I got the one I lost. True enough, I quickly forgotten about the lost notebook and was able to better cope with its lost (along with its valuable contents). Same thing happened with my address book in my previous work which I dropped somewhere. I bought one exactly the same as the lost one and wrote on every number I can still recover from my calling card collection and cell phone entries. The list goes on an on. Geesh, good thing I haven't lost a cellphone.

And so, I'll probably do the same with my lost eraser - I'll buy another one exactly the same. I will regret I was not able to use it up to the last rub, no doubt, but I will get to accept I lost it soon with my new eraser.

Now, apart from losing my eraser, another thing made this day not so good. This time, I know I cannot resort to my "substitution method" to help me cope with the loss.

As I was sitting in my vehicle on my way to work, it suddenly began imagining a scenario which would have been a more acceptable way for my then boyfriend to "break it to me gently" that he was leaving me. The visualization and rationalization even went into a scrutiny of what actually happened and what are the justifications for his actions. For instance, I concluded that he would have earned my respect and preserved my trust if he had confessed during the "breaking-off" that he had been flirting with other girls at the same time he was flirting with me; and that he realized that he has fallen madly in love with one of them; that he just wants to come clean and let me know; and that he would accept my reaction and what I will do given the situation. Of course, what actually happened was he broke it off on the phone and gave me flimsy reasons, plus the line he doesn't want to lose me as a friend, in effect giving hope that we can still be together someday. Thinking about it, maybe he thought it was not a good idea to go meet with me, in a restaurant or in church perhaps, and tell me, "hey, I wasn't really serious with you and now I've found someone I want to be with, good riddance!" He probably had good reason to fear bodily harm, or a scandal at that. But really, some balls huh!

Well, if he had done what I had imagined this morning, I would have told him that I have nothing to say except that I will accept it as fact of life and that while I had wanted to love him all my life, I would have wanted him to want to be loved by me, which is not the case.

Now, we broke up a few months short of being two years ago. It should have been forgotten way, way back. I guess it is because, instead of the "substitution method" I resorted to the "distraction method" knowing that simple substitution won't work when there is no one to take his place - yet.

I am hopeful that I am bound to find someone wonderful. Why? It's because I know that only someone wonderful can be able to erase and replace those memories which are best forgotten.

And for me, settling for anything less is out of the question.


A few hours after writing this blog, I found my beloved eraser. Yahoo!!!