Feelings
I will be turning 30 in 12 days but that is not exactly why I'm feeling melancholic since last night. (Nope, I am not from Ateneo who lost to UST in the UAAP Men's Basketball Championship last night, though way back in 1988, even when I was still in Grade 5, my favorite UAAP team was Ateneo led by Jun Reyes and Danny Francisco.)
The past few years, many of my closest friends, especially the girls, have found true love and have since gotten married. Other guy friends have relocated abroad or have been busy. And then, things were never the same. Though I'm extremely vicariously happy for them, I found myself clamming up. Unlike before when I found it easy to dial their numbers and call, sometimes for no reason other than to chat, now I always stop short of doing that for fear that I might get disappointed if I hear a less than interested voice, subtly suggesting that he/she is busy. After all, it might really be a waste of their time just listening to me whenever I want to go ranting about just about anything. And also, I think it would be selfish of me to impose myself on them, bothering them with my trivial feelings while they are enjoying their happy life. I want them to be assured that I am alright and can take care of myself. I even tell myself that I already know what they will advice me so why go through the process of unburdening myself to them?
A month ago, I dared to venture out of this thinking and proved myself wrong. I shared my thoughts and feelings to my two close friends, feelings and thoughts which I thought would merit a frown or a "you know what is the right thing to do" reaction from them (or a resounding "gaga!" from dear Junjun). On the contrary, I rediscovered two friends with empathy and understanding towards me, who didn't judge me and in fact, were able to put a fresh perspective on the issues I have. I was so wrong about my friends. I am so sure that all the others I have prejudged to prejudge me will be as warm and comforting as the two close friends I referred to earlier.
Looking back, I do not know how I got to this state, I do not know where I got the wrong idea. All I know now is that my friends will always be willing to just hold my hand and walk with me through life. And I shouldn't doubt their capacity to give.
This post in itself is divergent from my "clamming up" way of thinking. I actually doubt if I'd be able to tell them these things face to face, not wanting to sound needy. But then, I guess this post is the next best thing, a subterfuge for my bashfulness. At least, even if I probably will not alert them about this post, writing a blog is like writing on your diary and then leaving it open and lying around just about anywhere.
The past few years, many of my closest friends, especially the girls, have found true love and have since gotten married. Other guy friends have relocated abroad or have been busy. And then, things were never the same. Though I'm extremely vicariously happy for them, I found myself clamming up. Unlike before when I found it easy to dial their numbers and call, sometimes for no reason other than to chat, now I always stop short of doing that for fear that I might get disappointed if I hear a less than interested voice, subtly suggesting that he/she is busy. After all, it might really be a waste of their time just listening to me whenever I want to go ranting about just about anything. And also, I think it would be selfish of me to impose myself on them, bothering them with my trivial feelings while they are enjoying their happy life. I want them to be assured that I am alright and can take care of myself. I even tell myself that I already know what they will advice me so why go through the process of unburdening myself to them?
A month ago, I dared to venture out of this thinking and proved myself wrong. I shared my thoughts and feelings to my two close friends, feelings and thoughts which I thought would merit a frown or a "you know what is the right thing to do" reaction from them (or a resounding "gaga!" from dear Junjun). On the contrary, I rediscovered two friends with empathy and understanding towards me, who didn't judge me and in fact, were able to put a fresh perspective on the issues I have. I was so wrong about my friends. I am so sure that all the others I have prejudged to prejudge me will be as warm and comforting as the two close friends I referred to earlier.
Looking back, I do not know how I got to this state, I do not know where I got the wrong idea. All I know now is that my friends will always be willing to just hold my hand and walk with me through life. And I shouldn't doubt their capacity to give.
This post in itself is divergent from my "clamming up" way of thinking. I actually doubt if I'd be able to tell them these things face to face, not wanting to sound needy. But then, I guess this post is the next best thing, a subterfuge for my bashfulness. At least, even if I probably will not alert them about this post, writing a blog is like writing on your diary and then leaving it open and lying around just about anywhere.
posted by wernicke @ 1:44:00 PM
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